Dark Brown Waffles

You know what I’ve learned from watching The Walking Dead? Women ruin everything. If I didn’t know better, the entirety of the show is dedicated solely to communicating this point, never so much as in last night’s catastrophe of an episode. Let’s focus on what we learned:

-Women Go Too Crazy: last week, Lori lost her mind because she had been without Rick for almost five minutes, jumping into a car and screeching off toward town. But because she’s a woman, she wasn’t capable of looking at a map and driving, which lead to her hitting a zombie and flipping the car. This week, after found by Shane and tricked back to coming to the farm, she freaks out about the lies it took to get her there, even though those lies were an entirely defensible mechanism for getting her home safely. Ugh. Women.

-Women Love Too Much: in the midst of a ridiculously stupid gun battle in the middle of “town,” Glenn freezes. We think that it is because he is uncomfortable with the idea of shooting at other human beings, but upon getting back to the farm, we realize that the actual reason for his fear is that bitch Maggie Greene, who had the audacity to confess to loving him. Instead of getting into the fact that a woman fell in love with a guy fourteen seconds after meeting him, let’s instead focus on the fact that her love for him caused him to think twice. How dare she!

-Women Keep Too Many Secrets: upon getting back to the farm, Shane spills Lori’s secret. She’s pregnant. This is news to many at the farm, including Lori’s own son, Doofus. (Err, Carl.) She acknowledges the fact that she’s knocked up and has to apologize for not telling Carl, even though there is some advantage to keeping a secret like this, as it doesn’t make any sense why she’s imagining bringing a pregnancy to term in a world filled with carnivorous walking ghouls. But whatever. That’s what women do.

-Women Keep Getting Too Many Vapors: after Hershel makes it back to the farm, Maggie confronts him in her screamiest voice, shouting that she didn’t know what to do without his firm leadership. Because women need men. Maggie couldn’t bath or eat or dress herself properly without a man nearby to provide the sort of stability necessary to make those sorts of decisions. Vaginas are the WORST!

-Women Scheme Too Much: twice during the episode, women sew the seeds of doubt in their partners ears. Andrea’s the first. She’s nursing a lady hard-on for Shane (mostly because she’s lady crazy) and repeatedly tries to tell him that his problem is that he isn’t delivering his excellent leadership with quite the panache that he ought to. If only he was a better leader, the people would listen to him and not Rick. Later, Lori whispers in Rick’s ear, telling him that Shane cannot be trusted and to watch his back at all times. Although this is good advice, she cannot know that Andrea has had a similar conversation with Shane. Both of them, independently, are setting up their chosen man to take down the other. That’s how it goes with ladies: gossip, gossip, gossip.

-Women Fall Into Catatonic States Too Much: Finally, let’s not forget the woman who dropped into the coma-ish state after the barn slaughter. Her delicate sensibilities were overwhelmed in that moment to the point that her body shut down. Is there anything women can do right?

Next Week: a woman accidentally shoots herself? Accidentally shoots somebody else? Accidentally has an affair with a zombie? I don’t know. Rest assured it will definitely involve a woman doing something that endangers the group.